It's amazing how someone you like can affect you in tons of ways you could ever imagine. You become more pleasant, cheerful, more caring about that person, and it could also make you insecure, especially when there are big factors that make the whole thing uncertain.
I've always been insecure about myself when it comes to people I really care for. Always thinking about what they're thinking about me, always having the need to please people around me without completely compromising myself, but still making sacrifices and going out of my way. Perhaps it's because I'm afraid of rejection - having experience that almost my whole life.
Recently though, I met someone who I never thought I would go for. My best friend here in Canada persuaded me to give him a chance, so I did. until yesterday, I was still very much insecure of myself - always thinking that there's something wrong with me. Surprisingly, he just accepts me for who I am, not wanting me to change just to make the people around me happy. I was really shocked and touched. I felt lucky and blessed. He may not be the perfect guy I imagined and wished that I would have, he may have done a lot of things that I won't even consider just, but the fact that he's not ashamed of me, that he cares for me, that he's uberly patient and understanding of people, and that he's soooo kindhearted - that says it all. I thought the other guy was my dream boy, turns out, it's actually the guy that I almost didn't give a chance to. He
has the purest heart I've ever seen - which is why it scares me cause I
know I won't find anyone like him anymore...and that's why i don't want
to lose him because he makes me feel secured and allows me to be myself. I thought the other guy was my dream boy, haha. it turned out to be this one right here.
"Put the old stuff away and in with the new"
sounds very simple and easy - not for me, unfortunately. Moving to Canada made
me stronger in so many ways. I could put more things behind me now than I could
ever. There's one thing that I could not though - high school. A place that
grew on me to be my second home - not because of the facilities or the huge
7-hectare land, but because of the people there. Sure, I was shunned by a lot
of students because of my sexuality and all (not to mention the endless gossips
about me) but I just can't stop caring for my batch mates for some reason.
Haha... weird. My friends back then consisted of a lot of janitors, teachers,
guards, staff members and some students.
Now what triggered this again? I was supposed to be done with this. Well,
thanks to Facebook in connecting me with my elementary and high school friends,
I am able to see the people I've spent my life with for about 14 years. The
Metamorphosis '04 release (finally) that I couldn't attend and the David Ong's
entry in the Xavier School Alumni '04 group about Garrik Yao that made me
really sad. I wished I was physically there to give my support - but of course
I got the news a little too late.
It makes me wonder - how's everybody doing? All I see are pictures, I chat with
the selected few real friends I had and that's it. I look back thinking - what
if I had the courage to do the things I can now? Seeing the reunion
announcements for the class sections just made me wish that I could join them
right now (nope, unfortunately, not gonna happen).
My life is different now. I'm a bit different, but I can't help but look back
and wish that I was still there in that time frame where all the problems we
had was school, a few family matters, and a few petty things.
Oh well - enough reminiscing, back to the present.
I just saw Sex and the City today after work. My goodness,
it reminded me of old times when I used to watch it in HBO. The beginning was
just amazing! I loved Mr. Big sooo much. He's such a darling! And now I'm
beginning to have a little crush on Chris Noth... I always found him ugly
(because of his überly big eyes) But now... frick... watching him on the big
screen just makes all the difference! he's really handsome and my sisters
(including my mom) totally agree with me on that.
Watching Big and Carrie throughout the movie... and the thing about love and
success made me think... Will I ever be successful in my life, like how I was
starting to be before I left the Philippines and will I ever find the love of
my life? In a way, it made me so envious of Carry Bradshaw. She's got
everything. The haute couture outfits, the career, the fame, the money, and the
love of her dreams, even though she went through a lot of brake-ups with him
and going through so many relationships.
I'd like to meet someone like Big... ahaha... goodness, how he showered Carry
with his love and said yes to almost everything she wanted. But it's not about
giving Carry all that she wanted... it's about the love that they share and the
sacrifices that they do for each other, being there for each other and all
(throughout the series and the movie).
I'm still hoping for love to come my way... soon. I have someone in mind, but
you know me... it's always verbotene (forbidden) - much like Christian Mann and Oliver Sabel's of Verbotene Liebe... ahahahha! But
heck, if I had someone like Olli or Christian... I wouldn’t' ask for anything
more. Their relationship is just... wow... blows me away. Check it out guys,
you'll love it for sure.
Going off topic here... sowee. *sigh* hopes and wishes... when will they ever
come true? And this guy I'm fancying right now will probably never be mine. :(
as usual.
A chilly ambiance: cold and distant Salty waters flowing from the windows An indistinct breeze with the voice of the wind
Weakness crawled in deeper after A few lines of comfort here and there A mask filled with bright colors Melted away as Dawn moved closer While salty waters flowed through slumber
Awaken, duty calls. Hasten, Chronos falls. No time to think, but the core felt the chill Write a note, thanks. Be brave, I have to, I will.
A sense of emptiness filled my heart. A big hole that was covered Was now emptied by the same one Snap out of it. It's all good.
I thought it was done. A new day has begun. Smile even if it hurts. They don't know. But Jason Wade had to sing "Blind" Wow, thanks. You really helped out like last time.
Tears started to form as I approach Surrey Central. I tried to stop, I tried to hide. It flowed all the way 'til the bus arrived. Enter, now "Best I Ever Had"
This time I couldn't stop. It was way too much. The intensity grew stronger as I walked to my store. I couldn't help but sob. It was so painful. Yvette gave me a tight, comforting hug with a puzzled and concerned face. I couldn't stop crying. Later today, she said I cried like someone had passed away.
It's hard. Tomorrow they'll be as one. I'm happy for him cause he's gonna be complete again. I don't mind at all. At least he'll be filled. It's all that matters. I'm gonna be a hypocrite if I say I'm not worried about us. I am. Very. But I can't do anything.
Lumabas kami kaninang umaga. Sinamahan niya ako sa isang walk in clinic sa Richmond para magpakuha ng second opinion sa aking bukol sa brasong bigla na lamang sumulpot 2 months ago. Nung una medyo ilag siya at di ko mawari kung bakit. Siguro dahil late na rin siyang natulog kagabi. Pag tapos ay gusto pa niya akong dalhin sa isa pang clinic para kumuha ng 3rd opinion daw, para lang sigurado. Tinamad na ako eh... Di naman nila bubuksan yung braso ko, so bakit pa? Dumeretso kami sa bahay ng aking tita para ibigay ang susi ng apartment dahil uuwi na ako sa Surrey. Habang kami'y naghihintay, inupakan namin yung dinala kong sushi at cheese cake na dala ko para sa kanya kasi alam kong di pa yun kumakain kahit na sinabi niyang kumain na siya.
Sinundo namin ang kaibigan niyang si Ambrosio (tinagalog na pangalan) dahil nais niyang makisabay sa pag punta sa school sa Surrey. Mabait naman si Ambrosio. Unang pagkakataon ko siyang makausap nun. Sana naman ngayon, di niya na ako husgahan. Siguro naman hindi niya na gawain yun... yung ibang mga kaibigan na lang ng asawa ko, este, ng best friend ko ang gumagawa nun. Napupundi na nga siya eh. Mga p*tanginang walang magawa sa mga buhay nila kundi ang manira at mang-asar ng ibang tao. Kaya nagkakalamat ang relasyon namin eh.
Pagtapos sa paaralan ay nagtungo kami sa bahay ko. Apparently, babalik pala ako ng Richmond dahil dun ako ulit pinatutulog upang samahan si Cherie. Habang inaayos ko ang mga gamit at iilang issue sa bahay, nakipag laro siya kay Grifith ng basketball. Natalo nga siya dito. Ahahaha! Natuwa ako kasi napaka laki ng malasakit niya sa pamilya ko, lalo na kay Grifith. Nung paalis na kami, inuhaw siya at humingi ng maiinom na soda. Eh wala kaming maliliit. So dinala ko yung 2 Litro! ahahha! Nagdala nalang ako ng tumbler na puno ng ice. Nagustohan naman niya. Palibhasa uhaw, at dahil soft drinks yun.
Bumalik na kami sa Richmond nang kaming 2 lang dahil na sa meeting si Ambrosio. Nauhaw rin ako sa kakakain ng mga bagay bagay na dala ko. Ahahahha! So nag share na lang kami ng baso. In fairness, di naman siya nailang or nandiri or what. Pagtapos kong inuman ang baso, ininuman niya rin ulit, paulit-ulit pa nga. Tinanong ko siya bago niya inuman ang baso kung maselan ba siya, gaya ko dati bago mag college. Sabi niya oo daw dati, pero ok na daw. Grabe, naka ilang refill ako dun sa basong iyon ahahahaha! Marami rin kaming pinag-usapan habang kami'y nasa kotse... kabilang na dun ang imposibleng mangyari na maging kami o na may mamagitan sa amin.
Nagtungo kami sa isang park malapit sa condo ng aking tita para mag lakad-lakad. Maganda ang park. Bago lang. Sabi ko picture kami kasi ang huling picture namin was October pa! Kailangan nang palitan. Ayaw niya. Huhuhuhu! Ewan ko ba kung bakit. Siguro kasi nakita niya na nasa friendster ang mga pictures namin. Sabi niya kasi wag daw ilalagay sa facebook. Eh di naman niya sinabi na wag ilagay sa friendster di ba? AHAHAHHA!
After that, dumeretso kami ng library sa Minoru dahil naiihi na ako at walang banyo sa park. Bago nga lang kasi. Hinintay niya ako sa kotse. Medyo nagmamadali nga siya kasi may gagawin pa siyang mga assignment at project na due Tuesday. Buti nga siya due Tuesday eh, ako Sunday!!! Kukunin ko dapat ang susi sa bahay ng tita ko para dun na niya ako i-drop off. Di sinasagot ng auntie ko ang phone... natutulog pala. Tumawag naman siya after a few mins... to cut it short, he decided na hintayin na lang namin si Cherie para sunduin sa lifeguarding niya sa Minoru at sabay na kaming umuwi sa condo. Kinuha muna namin ang susi sa tita ko bago bumalik ng Minoru. Nais daw niyang umakyat sa condo mamayamaya para makita ang histura nito.
Nung na sa amin na si Cherie, grabe, click ang dalawa. It's not the first time they've talked. Pero as in! Parang ako pa yata yung na OP. AHAHHA! Pero I don't mind. When we got home, nagyaya siyang mag bubble tea raw kami. Kasama si Grif, nagpunta kami dun sa kung saan nagbebenta sila ng 1000cc na inumin na may sago! grabe! Ang laki!! Hit kasi yun dito. Addik ang mga tao. Ahahahha!
After that, dahil kailangan ni Cherie ng whistle, nagpunta kaming Daiso at Richmond Centre para maghanap nun. He spent an additional 2 hours with us, imbis na umuwi at mag home work. Natuwa ako kasi pinahahalagahan niya talaga ang pamilya ko. Sobrang na touch ako kasi wala pang naging ganyan sa pamilya ko talaga except for Newt, Ate Pri-Ann, and of course, my best friend for 8 years, Erica. He cares for me and my family a lot, and that just melted my heart. Hindi mahalaga sa akin ang hitsura niya, kung may pera siya o wala.... kung matalino siya o hindi... none of that matters. Ang mahalaga sa akin ay siya si Densio (tinagalog na pangalan).
Yung turingan namin kanina habang na sa kotse kami't nasa park.... nung kaming 2 lang... haha.... grabe.... parang kami. Sobrang na tempt ako na hawakan ang kanyang mga kamay... pero di pwede. Tiis, syempre. Best friend ko lang siya dito sa Canada. Hindi ito dapat lagyan ng malisya. Although nananalangin pa rin ako na sana, mahalin niya rin ako.
Kanina, may question ako sa kanya... tinanong ko kung anong impact kaya ng pagkawala ko sa buhay niya. Nag taka siya, in what way daw. Sabi ko kung kunwari'y umuwi ako ng pinas at di na siya kinausap muli... o di kaya'y ako'y namatay. Ang sinabi lang niya sa akin ay, if ever daw na mangyari yun, mas gugustuhin niya ang first option. Mas tanggap niya kaysa mamatay daw ako. Masyado raw akong bata at marami pang dapat gawin sa buhay para mamatay. (nakakatanga, ang haba na pala nitong sinusulat ko)
Sana matanggap rin ako ng pamilya niya't ng mga kaibigan niya. Alam kong tanggap ako nung ilan. Natutuwa nga sila sa akin. Bakit daw di raw kami mag date? Ahahaha! Napaka gandang hirit! Ang sagot naman niiya'y dahil may iba raw siyang gusto.
Sabi ni Cherie, ni mama't ni Auntie Tina, wag ko daw itulak siyang palayo sa pag pupursigi ko sa pag kakaroon ng isang romantic relationship sa kanya. Masyado siyang precious para mawala sa akin. Totoo. di ko kakayanin kung mawawala siya sa buhay ko. parte na siya ng buhay ko... He's part of my family now. My family said so, too. They love him. Ahahhaha! Kung wari'y naging babae lang ako... iba siguro ang kalalabasan ng mga pangyayari. I know, dahil sinabi niya rin ito dati sa akin. Sayang. Pero at least he's still my best friend... he's still here with me through our ups and downs.
Ang tanong ay.... kaya ko ba - na hindi siya mahalin? Na hindi mag selos (kahit na enjoy na enjoy siyang nakikita akong nagseselos. Sabi niya ginagwa lang daw niya yun para mawala ang pag-gusto ko sa kanya)? Na hindi siya pahalagahan ng higit pa sa sarili ko minsan? Mahirap... pero susubukin kong gawin... para maisalba ang aming pagkakaibigan...
Mahal ko siya... always have and always will. Maaaring mawala ang romantic na pag-ibig ko sa kanya (which i doubt na mangyayari anytime soon), pero lagi siyang magiging parte ng buhay ko. I'll always be there for him, no matter what. I'll prove his doubts about me wrong someday.
Ang relationship namin, halos perfect na sana. Ang pagmalasakit at pagpapahalaga niya sa pamilya ko, ang concern ko sa pamilya niya't mga kaibigan... at lalong lalo na sa isa't isa. Maybe.... if only..... but this world is not a world of maybe's and if's... this is the way it is... this is the way I am... sana lang matutunan niya akong ma-overlook ang physical at mahalin nang base sa kanyang puso. *sigh*
Pero hindi mahalaga kung mahalin niya ako o hindi... ang mahala ay mahal ko siya't napapakita't napadarama ko ito sa kanya nang hindi siya naiilang. Tama na sa akin ang to be there for him through everything - the best, the worst, and what not. Tama na sa akin ang he cares for me and my family a lot... Although I would like to meet his family rin soon. I want to care for them and be there for them, as I am with him... as he is with my family. Syempre halo-halong tagalog at Ingles ang blog ko, nakakatanga. Ginawa ko ngang ganito para di nila maintindihan eh.
Mga kaibigan.... anong dapat kong gawin? Nakakaleche kasi, wala dito si Erica. Kugn nandito siya eh di nagawan na ng stratehiya! Nakakaputa. Ahahahah! BES! Saklolo naman dyan!
