Days of chatting online with my friends from the Philippines made me feel like I was still there. My high school friends, my college friends, my best friend... *sigh*

it also made me miss the places and the friends that I have there.... reminiscing.... our luxurious life back then, being a full time student without going to work and just being a student-journalist and student-artist. Thought about Dexter... everyone... haha.... It kinda doesn't help when your family is homesick too......

I miss the love my friends give me, the attention i get from the offices i work for in campus, the concern, everything.

But I can't go back... at least not yet. They all know why.

Talked to him yesterday... haven't been talking that much. Kinda miss the times when we used to talk for hours... but we're both busy. We have things to do. School stuff... I have work... but I guess I always find time for him... damn... i'm just ridiculous, huh? He is my best friend here, anyways.

I dunno... I just... feel lost... haha... here we go again. He's right. There are times that I get depressed... I don't wanna message him right now cause he might worry again... besides, he might be getting sick and tired of me now. haha.... damn... Kinda miss him...

Depressions na naman.... help!

I had a friend visit me a while ago at work. He bought somethng for his friend and I wrapped it in Manila paper. It wouldn't fit into the original plastic bag, but he tried anyways.

"It's like putting on a condom" he says.
I was shocked. Acting upon impulse, I asked him how he knew of it. He said it was private. But being in an unexpected situation and not being able to think clearly, I insisted on an answer.
"I'm a virgin. Why would I need a condom?" he answers.

I'm trying to let go of the issue... but the thing that hurts me the most is why he'd lie to me. We've touched this subject so many times and he played with my mind one time about it. How will I know what to believe? But if his answer is like that, then I presume that he is no longer a virgin.

It hurts, of course. If he just told me from the very start, I wouldn't be thinking about it, nor be so paranoid about it.

I've decided to let the issue go. I love him and it shouldn't really matter, right? I accept him for who and what he is regardless of what he has and what not. He is him and that's the only thing that matters. He's my friend. He means a lot to me... and by doing this, I'm just pushing him away.

He probably isn't anymore... but I don't care. It happened it the past and that's that. What matters is the present and the future.

Maybe I'll ask him one last time... it doesn't really matter if he is or not. I just want to know so that I can let go of this damn subject entirely. Then I wouldn't raise the question again.

I just realized that I have been very emotional these past couple of days. I just needed another misunderstanding and a random song at BLENZ Coffee in Richmond to breakdown.

Always the misunderstood here in Canada...

Haha... I don't know why i'm so emotional right now... why? Empathy? I have an inkling... could it be? *sigh*

I just don't want any misunderstandings. I hope it was just because my friend was really tired from all the driving that day and not because of what I said. It's normal in the Philippines. My Filipino friends understand... but I gues... *sigh* I dunno....

Cry... cry... cry... Cj. - the emotional wreck.

GRABEEEEE!!! Remember the creepy customer I told you guys about? He was back again last week AND YESTERDAY!!! He came in and stared at me, This time, I did not run away or hide in the back. I said hi, like a salesperson would when a customer is around. He kept staring at me the whole time. Finally, I decided to "keep busy" by faking that I was doing something in the computer. He left afterwards.

A few minutes later, he comes back and takes a look at the Sidewalk Sale stuff. My co-worker, Tyler, went there to tidy the shoes up. After a while, he left. When Tyler went to the washroom, he saw my creepy stalker waiting there.

I went to the kiosk near our store to talk to Gloria and Jane. They're good acquaintances of mine. A few minutes later, I see creepy stalker walking towards my store again. I pretend that I didn’t see him and I leaned on Gloria’s shoulders, as if I was exhausted. He passed by in front of me and seemed impatient.

After he left us alone, Gloria and I decided to do some window shopping. We went to the Dollar Store and Chaps (or whatever it’s called, sporting goods). He was everywhere. When I decided to go to Old Navy to see what they have for my little brother and sister, on my way there, I saw him again! I wanted to talk to the Mall Memo Delivery staff but he was right behind me. I got into Old Navy and pretended that I was shopping. Then suddenly, he intercepts me and asks

Stalker: “You’re Gareth, right?”
Me: “Yeah”
Stalker: “How are you?”
Me: “Not too bad, yourself?”
Stalker: “Oh, just walking around.” (more like stalking around)
Me: “I see.” *resumes walking AWAY from the peculiar character
Stalker: “Are you looking for something?”
Me: “I’ll know it when I see it.”

He was really getting close to me by the second, like he knew a lot about me. I went to the women’s section just so he’d leave… 

Stalker: “So I’ll see you around”
Me: “yep.”

I hurried back to my store, only to find out that he was right in front of me. I told my managers and my co-workers that he followed me. They said that I should have called security. I guess I should have. Now he might come back. AAAAAH!

A while ago, Tyler told me that he bumped into my creeper at the gas station yesterday after closing.

Stalker: “Hey, No drinking in the gas station, stupid!”
Tyler: *looks at the person and is shocked* “You’re a pervert!”
Stalker: “Where’s your friend?”

Damn… He is sooooooooooo creepy. He’s driving me nuts! Now I get paranoid when I see someone passing by our store wearing an orange polo shirt.

Just finished talking with my younger sister. We talked about lots of stuff tonight. It's very seldom that we get the chance to just sit and talk about anything under the sun - our sentiments, our dreams, our hopes, our grudges.

I've always known that she felt unloved and alone. I'm crying right now... haha... so much... because I know that it was never true. She may not know, none of my family members may know, but I do love them so much, especially my mother and my siblings.

I remember 2 years ago when I found out that she had dengue fever. It causes death. Some of my friends died because of it. When I heard the news, I just cried in the restaurant near school with my friends. My mom was just sobbing, as well, but she doesn't know that. She feels so alone and unloved, but little does she know that I'd sacrifice myself for all of them.

She said only two years more and she's going to the states for college. It made me lonely because I don't want her to go, but if that's what will make her happy, then I must set her free.

Everyone in my family has been through a lot and I know how much everyone has suffered even if they don't tell me. I can tell. I can read their faces, their souls. We're all wounded and at the point of giving up, but we're still holding on.

We have so little communication and too much misunderstandings in our family. Some of us are ashamed to show how we really feel about each other, how we really care, but deep inside, we'd do whatever it takes.

Che, Cim, Grif, Mom, and Dad: If you're ever reading this... and if I'm gone by this time, I want to say sorry for not making you guys feel how much I love you. I'd die for you guys. Seriously. I want to say sorry for all the hurt and pain I've ever caused you.

Cherie, no, I haven't forgiven myself for hitting you that day when you and mom had a fight. I still haven't. It haunts me upto this day. I never wanted to hurt you. Never. I've always loved you and that will never change, same goes for everyone. If you ever need to talk, just come to my room or call me. Leave a note if you have to. You know I'll come.

Grifith, sorry if I seem very snobby and bossy at times. But do know that I'm only doing this to discipline you. Learn to think for yourself, too. Don't just listen to whatever someone tells you to do. Sometimes, elders are mistaken too. They're only human, you know? Take care, li'l bro. Love ya! I'll always be here for you.

Atchie, I know I tend to push you off sometimes because I'm so afraid that you'd have me do lotsa stuff again... haha... but I want you to know that you're appreciated and you can always talk to me. Thank you. Love ya!

Mother, I may be very moody at times, but do understand that I just can't really express myself that much. There are times that I just need to fix myself first before talking to anyone. I'll always be here for you. I'll never leave you. You can always count on me. Love you mother, I really do - more than you'll ever know.

Pa, you always think that everyone's against you... that there's always something negative about someone or something. Do learn to be more optimistic at times. Now I know where I got my paranoia and pessimism from. Not to mention being so jealous. Lahat, sa'yo ko nakuha. But regardless, I got your compassion as well. Don't think that we hate you, we love you, really. Sometimes, you just have to open your eyes, your mind, and your heart to some things. Change is the only constant thing in this world. Sometimes you have to look back to where you came from because life isn't always going to be good. You know that. You've been there. You just need to trust yourself and mother more.

I'm done crying now... thank God for blogs. Hahahahahaha! This entry sounds like a suicidal letter. Hahahahha! No, it's not funny, I know. Erica, Newt, Jen, and Dennis would probably have smacked my head down if they read this. To all my friends, I miss you guys soooo much! I know I'm probably just another memory in your lives right now... but you're still in my heart. *smacks his own head* There you go with your pessimism again, Cj.!

There was this guy... prolly in his late 40's. He came in the store, I was up so I greeted him and told him that if he needed anything, he could tell us. Sure enough, he was still staring at me. Gosh! So I said "are you looking for anything in particular?" Then he says "I was just looking for some good, comfy summer shoes." So I guided him through the merchandise.

After I showed him the third shoe, he cut me in the middle of my explanation about the shoe and asked for my name. After showing him everything that I had, he said thanks and gave me a wink as he walked out the store.

My co-workers were all like "Eew! Gareth, did you see that? My managers and Yvette were all grossed out. He was old!!! Gosh. My manager, Jason said that he was all excited when I greeted him. I went for a break after that cause I had to get my mom something to take her mind off things that are making her so sad and down (especially my dad)

When I came back after 30 mins, they were all so protective of me. They said that I should just chill out in the stockroom first because the guy came by three times, looking and really looking for me in the store (without talking to everyone). My manager was like "Do you want me to tell him off? He was kinda pissed. He was saying "If you don't want me to say anything to him or if you're interested, go ahead" Then I was like "Excuse me, Jason! He can be my dad!" Hee hee hee! It's like I have a dad in the store! Wahahhaha! He said "Well, if he ever comes by again, I'm going to ask him 'Did he leave some shoes for you on hold?' and if he says 'no, it's not about shoes' I'm just gonna tell him, sorry, but he's not interested. Goodbye."

Wahahahahaha! Too bad Jason's leaving in September. Gosh... Oh well... He's a nice manager. We learn a lot from him.

(Grabe... why do I always appeal to old guys and younger guys. Never to guys my age or around my generation. tsk tsk tsk tsk...