It's taken much too long
To get it right
Would it be so wrong
To maybe find someone
A miracle

And all you really need
Is everything you could never be
And so you'd give it all
For a miracle

Is there a trace
Inside his face
Of a lonely miracle
And so you wait
And lie awake
For a lonely miracle

You never really know
What it is
Not until it goes
And if it comes again
It's a miracle

But what you miss is love
In everything below and up above
And could he bring it all
A miracle

All you needed was a miracle
A miracle

"Miracle" by Vertical Horizon
*note: her was changed to his

I'm talking to one of my close friends right now, Jeevan... He's asking why HE doens't talk to me as much anymore... Camille and April said the same thing I wasn't just thinking about it... other people CAN actually see what's going on.

The question: WHY? = Maybe because he's fed up with all his frickin friends asking about us... making bad jokes about him and me.... and about me in general. He is now in a mode of protecting his image..... hence, our friendship suffers.....

He didn't really care that much about what other people said before... he'd defend me against them.... But now... it seems that he's giving in... and it hurts..... badly.

Why does it always have to be soooooooooo f*cking hard? haha.... it's not even funny. Call me over sensitive... but it is how I am. I have insecurities... He fills it up... Haha... Jeeves is right... "He dug a hole in you" and it's getting deeper as he pulls away.....

Hahaha....... it's hard when something just changes before your very eyes. It's like bathing in hot water, comfortable enough to make your muscles relax, and then the floors crack and you're suddenly submerged into a pool with ice, out in the backyard with snow.

When you get used to being treated in a certain way then everything changes because of so many factors.... including their damn friends and peer pressure... it's just so hard.

Aside from that, so much problems in the famly. Mom just broke down and cried a while ago - PLUS her dad's in the hospital... confined. Serious illness. Mom and Grifith... Cherie, Cim... and dad. So many struggles... so many hardships...

It never ends. Ahahahaha...... but we hold on... We must...

If I could make it easier for everyone, I would... and for him, as well.

Today was just frickin busy at the store. Didn't really get to go on my break and I had to stay an hour and a half after closing.... I had to. Being a part of management calls for it.

Funny tale to tell though. Doreen, our elderly part timer, was working with me today. There's this customer who phoned when we were both helping multiple customers at the same time. She wanted to talk to the Assistant Manager. Doreen said that she's not working today. Yvette, she meant. The customer then said my full name but Doreen said I was with a customer and that she'd ask me to phone her back.

The customer was quite disturbed. "You keep saying 'HE' when I'm talking about a 'SHE'. Doreen explained that a lot of customers have been mistaken and that I do not take any offence. The customer replied "Well, it says here Assistant Manager and I'm sure I was talking to a young asian girl. She gave me this card herself!"

Doreen tried to explain. The customer was furious "Are you telling me I do not know how to tell the difference?" Doreen gave up and said that she'll let me call the customer.

My younger sister has been having trouble sleeping for the past 3 days now. She asked me to accompany her to her room to talk and to sleep there cause she doesn't want to be alone. I was able to calm her down with a few tricks of mine. After a while, she said "You can be a good mother, you know?"

I was glad to hear that. It's been a while since someone said that to me. Ahahahha! I guess I missed it. The fact that I am really valued in this family and in the store made my day. Hahahha! Wasn't able to play FFXII but it's fine. Did a lot of sacrifices today... but it's all good! Ahahahha! I am thankful for my family, for my co-workers/friends, for my 2 best friends, Erica and Dennis, for my close friends (Hoy Abril at Cammy, kasama kayo dito! Ahahahha!)

It's a good life... I just have to go through the turbulence, like I used to.

We meet different people everyday. Some of them become our friends and stay, some of them just pass by.

I am lucky and blessed to have known real friends in my life, especially from the Philippines because they are true. They'll stay by your side through thick and thin. They'll be your strength when all else fails. Although apparently, it isn't always the case with friends here. I am in a different world right now, a new friend of mine said to me. I must change my definitions and adapt to this new country.

Fair enough. I know that I must, but I cannot forget the essential things that I have learned being in a third world country. I've learned that little things are far more appreciated there that it is here.

I am thankful for my few real friends that I have met in my stay here so far in Canada. I woudln't trade them for the world. I always see to it that I'm by their side when they are down, or at least let them know that I am always here for them. I'll do anything I can to make them feel better (if it's justifiable). I don't leave them in the dark or try to avoid them just because they came to me for help. No. I am not like that. I believe in helping others, in helping them grow, in helping them find their paths in the dark or when they are lost.

I am not all knowledgeable. I do not know everything. I do get lost sometimes. I am not always right, but I try my best to be their support.

I've have realized about a year ago that I am probably looking for my best friend from the Philippines, Erica, here. In someone here. We both were. The results? Disasterous for both of us. No one can take her place. No one can even come close to what we have. Dennis, maybe. He is, afterall, my best friend here, but that's a different story.

Living here in Canada is hard, especially when you're still getting used to everything. The values are far different. It's like everyone's detached from everyone else. But I have no choice. I'm gonna be stuck here for a very long time. Maybe that's why Tita Pipay said that I shouldn't absorb everything from here.

A while ago, I walked to work in the snow instead of taking the bus. it was my sacrifice. I was thinking... "This is good. I am feeling this pain because I am still alive. And if I'm alive, I can still change things."

------ Haha.... my mom just went in my room... he says I look lonely. My Aunt from Taiwan and my Uncle in the U.S.A. asked me the same question when they didn't even see me. Is it really that obvious? She said my two sisters are sad too. Then I saw my mom kinda tearing up as she walked out of my room. Fudge...

I miss my friends in the Philippines. All of them. I hardly get to talk to them or chat with them anymore. If I go back to visit, will they treat me the same? Will they still care for me? If I do decide to stay there, what about my REAL friends here? I can't leave them either.

I just met a new friend about a month ago. We clicked right away. I never thought I'd meet someone here in Canada who'd get along with me in a snap. He was really nice... very matured, very kind. It was like having a big brother... almost like my older friends in the Philippines like Cujo, who really cared for me and would jokingly pout whenever I didn't give him a hug. We were really comfortable with each other. He said so himself, too.

I told him about my problem with one of my friends here (which was resolved, as usual... just needed a little compromise) because I thought and felt that he really cared for me. I just needed him to listen. I needed someone to talk to. I don't have Erica here to talk to me everyday and knock me off my head whenever I'm doing something wrong and I do not see it. Sadly... after that... he just.... let me go.

He said he's not used to giving advice... or rather being in the position that he was in yesterday. It was my fault. I shouldn't have told him anything. "We are still testing the waters", his words exactly. He said that if I keep talking to him about all these things going on in my life... my problems... he wouldn't be able to give me the time and attention that I need. He said if we continued to talk about these things, he doesn't know if he can still continue with our friendship.

I was taken back.... I wasn't expecting that from him. I was broken.

A really good friend of mine called me right after that when I texted him about what happned. He gave me strength. I thanked him because he has always been there for me even with through and after our ups and downs. I was semi-blinded by this new friend of mine. I thought he was all that up there. I was wrong.

I called my new friend this afternoon because my friend wanted me to... to apologize... to clear things up. Haha... It didn't turn out quite all right.

I know I was wrong... I guess i kinda harrassed him with my messages and texts in the past few days ONLY because I was in need. But I see this as a blessing in disguise... or rather... convincing myself that it is. I needed to falter to wake up. Indeed, I did. This has made me value my REAL FRIENDS so much more than I did. But I wish it could have been done without having to say goodbye to a new friend...

Why does everything have to be complicated? It's just... sad and depressing. I know... wala akong karapatan sa kanya. Hindi ko rin dapat asahan na lagi niya akong yayakapin gaya ng lagi niyang ginagawa. But why now? Everything was going so smoothly... so great. I could get by a damn, hell-ish day because of him. When he calls... or texts... or what not...

Pero bakit bigla na lang may limits na dati nama'y wala? Bakit hindi na lang tayo umusod paharap? Bakit kailangan nating umatras? It's hard cause he's changing. He says "let me do my thing." I am... I would. I'm not asking for too much. I just wanna know why. Is it so hard to explain? I know there's a deeper reason... but why can't you tell me? What are you afraid of?